Being vulnerable is difficult but it is also healing. This blog post is extra special for me because it is me being vulnerable and is part of my healing process. If you are going through a difficult time, I hope this blog post is helpful for you.
Have you ever gone through a break-up? It can be soul crushing can’t it? Even the happiest and most grounded people find break-ups to feel like torture. In fact, I think I would rather be tortured by an 8yr old sticking their finger 1 inch from my face and saying “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you” than go through a break up. But alas, most of us, if not all of us, have experienced the end of a relationship – platonic or intimate at some point in our lives. It can be like going through battle right?
Let me tell you a story.
Last June I met a man who I thought was the love of my life. I have to preface this with I have met a number of “loves of my life” throughout my life because I’m a woman who loves to be in love. Maybe it’s a Jennifer thing?
(J-Lo if you see this then just laugh with me – don’t sue me! We have to be able to laugh at ourselves right?!?!?!?! Truly I love your work! haha)
Anyways, this seemed different. I will admit that I have been in a few potential relationships after my divorce and I have become very attuned to some of the red flags:
- no job/career
- poor relationship skills with others
- negative mindset
So my “love of my life” was ambitious, had great loving lasting relationshps with children and friends, very forgiving, spiritual, positive – he was “the one’ – until he wasn’t.
We talked daily multiple times a day and then, after a few months things started to change. Over time the texts and calls became fewer in number to the point of days going by. In an effort to keep the lines of communication open I asked if all was well. Same response everytime – “Just really busy. Being pulled in many directions.”
Now there is no one in the world that is so busy they can’t take 5 seconds to say hey, I’m thinking about you. So eventually things got to a point where a decision had to be made and things ended.
I cried – not a few well placed tears strolling down my cheeks like we see in the movies. I’m talking big tears, groans and wails, laying in bed for hours/days! I’m a feeling person people, what can I say? But the worst of it was that I was confused. I did not know what happened.
My friends checked in on me. My parents checked in on me. My sister checked in on me. Why you may ask? I am sure one of the reasons was because they loved me but also because they KNEW this love of my life was THE love of my life. lol. I can laugh about it now, but you know what? It hurt like hell. Proud to say I got through it. One of the main reasons was because I allowed myself to feel what I needed to feel in order to let go of the idea and vision I had for my future with that particular person. Although I missed him and did truly care for him, it was the vision I had for our future that was difficult to get over. I now realize that the vision does not have to be gone but just the characters will have to change.
So, how do we move forward when we experience a major setback? If we remember the word G.R.A.B. – it will help you to remember these things:
- GRIEVE! Burying your feelings prolongs the process – feel what you need to feel. Cry, scream, sleep, talk ,do what you need to do to feel and process your emotions.
- RECEIVE SUPPORT. Don’t do it alone. Gather up your tribe. I was so embarrassed when I had to tell my friends and family of the breakup. Remember what I wrote above – this was THE ONE! What my support peeps taught me was that there was absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Relationships are risks and to be experienced. If they do not work out, take the lesson and move forward. My family and friends were so supportive and understanding. People who matter don’t care and people who care don’t matter. Sometimes sadness can feel so unbearable that we need a professional to help guide and support. Seeing a counsellor is a strength. Sometimes it is necessary to seek the neutrality and clarity a neutral third party professional can give. There is no shame in taking care of yourself!
- ACCEPT, become AWARE, and ALLOW yourself to have an open mind. What part did you play in the situation? What can you build on and invest in to become better? Allow yourself to have an open mind to new ideas and ways to move forward. Remember – take care of yourself! Journal – write about your feelings. I wrote a letter to him – didn’t send it but wrote a letter and the release was HUGE.
- BE grateful. Find the joy and find the silver lining. Gratefulness is to our lives as oxygen is to our bodies. Always, remember, that in everything we do, ensure to remember to do things you enjoy – shop (within reason), travel, hang out with friends and family but do not be afraid to be alone and enjoy your own company. Also remain hopeful. You will love again. You will gain another friendship or strengthen existing ones. Sometimes saying goodbye allows you the freedom to say hello (that’s tweetable – go to it peeps!)
Be proud of yourself for doing what you need to do.
You got this!
Being happy to the core entails being responsible and accepting responsibility for our choices, actions and decisions. Being open to different perspectives and allowing yourself to experience new things is just one way to get to that core happy place. You totally got this. We totally got this. #SlayYourDay.
If you would like more information on how to work with Jen Slay or you want to learn more about how to be happy to your core book a 15min telephone Slay session. Jen would love to talk to you. Go to www.calendly.com/jenslay and click on the “15min Slay Session” tab. You got this!
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Jennifer Slay is an award winning speaker and best selling author. She is a motivational speaker, registered social worker, therapist, workshop facilitator and online teacher. For more information or to book Jennifer to speak at your event, email at firstname.lastname@example.org or call 1-877-786-7190.